2018 New Year’s Resolutions (not for me)

I don’t make resolutions because I don’t even make my bed. Plus I’m not good at making decisions for myself, but one thing I can do is make decisions for other people. So I’m going to make a few lists of resolutions for other people for 2018.

First up: Restaurant Go-ers.

This year as a restaurant-go-er I resolve to…

  1. Make reservations.
  2. Show up to my reservations on time.
  3. Call and inform the restaurant if I am running late for my reservation, not just assume they know traffic exists.
  4. Cancel my reservations if I’m not going to make it because I know that restaurants rely on customers to make money and if I don’t show up they are reserving my empty table and making no money. Also because maybe the hostess is a young girl full of hope and optimism who assumes parties that don’t show up must have been in a terrible accident instead of just knowing what we all know which is that people are inconsiderate assholes.
  5. Call ahead if my party of 10 is actually now only going to be a party of 3 because some people are sick, and some others made better plans, I hope that’s okay. You can sit us at a different table, not the large one you’ve been reserving and turning people away from because you had a large party coming in.
  6. Mention ahead of time that 2 of the 7 members of my party are small children who need highchairs, you have those, right? You weren’t going to just put us at a high top table with normal chairs, were you?
  7. Tell my server before I order my food that I have a gluten allergy but don’t actually consider breadcrumbs to contain gluten, also I’ll order a beer.
  8. Actually eat the thing I asked for on the side and not just let it sit there completely wasting product that I could have just omitted, fully knowing I was never intending to eat the olives.
  9. Keep my suggestions for menu items to myself and not list them to the hostess asking that she relay to them to the chef.
  10. Sit on opposite sides of the table than my significant other because no one in the restaurant wants to watch as we kiss in between bites of food.
  11. Understand that the food for my party of 12 will take longer to prepare, plate and serve than the food for the two people who definitely seated and ordered after us.
  12. Not ask for two pieces of beets to be boxed up because they were so good and I must save them for later even though we all know they are just going to sit in my refrigerator for 3 weeks until I forget what they are and where they came from.
  13. Not request that my party split the bill on 6 cards because I know that Venmo exists and I like my friends enough to be pretty sure that we’ll all go out again so it’s really not that big of a deal if I just pay them back at a later day because that’s what friends do after all.
  14. Avoid following up with my lengthy complaint about how terrible my server was for not paying attention to us every minute after I watch her run around a clearly busy restaurant during dinner time with “I worked in the industry I get it” referring to the 2 months I was a bus boy at Marie Calender’s during high school.
  15. Ask to speak to the manager to report something positive knowing that he/she only gets called to a table when something is wrong and someone is unhappy.


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